So here's the deal: I attend the University of Kansas (cunningly disguised as KU), and I root against the Jayhawks.
I wish I didn't. I wish I could root for KU like I should. I used to root for KU, before I moved here and started school. But now I can't.
KU fans are insufferable poor sports. They have taken ordinary team pride and turned it into team snobbery. Any basketball poll that doesn't have the Jayhawks ranked #1 is a direct result of "east coast bias." Any time the football team wins half their games, they deserve a bowl bid. I don't root against the Jayhawks as much as I root against their fans.
I work with the king of all Jayhawks apologists, Tito. He can tell you why Butler and Bucknell should have been seeded higher than they were when they eliminated Kansas the last two years in the NCAA tournament. He can tell you how Danny Manning once took a dump that smelled like roses and was made of solid gold.
Last March I had to go to Santa Fe with him for work. He was going to pick me up Monday morning at six for the drive to the airport. The night before was when the NCAA announced the tournament seedings. With no prior knowledge of the outcome, I told Persephone, "I really don't want to ride to the airport with him and have to listen about how the Jayhawks are a #4 seed but they should really be a #3 seed." The next morning, THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.
I told him that, had KU not upset Texas in the Big 12 tournament, I didn't think they were good enough of a team to get a bid at all. It was at that very moment that he stopped thinking we were friends.
A couple weeks ago, I took my kids to sit on the hill above Memorial Stadium and watch the first half of the football game between KU and Oklahoma State. We had to leave at half time to go pick up Persephone from a church event. The score was 14-0, KU. Oklahoma State had failed to score after having a first down on KU's two yard line. As we left, Crazy Jane said, "Who won?" I said, "No one yet." She said, "Who's going to win?" I said, "Well, KU is winning right now, but given how they play football lately, Oklahoma State has a shot." KU lost, 42-32.
The next week, Persephone was on the Internet checking her e-mail and she said, "KU is beating Baylor right now, 35-17." I said, "I wonder how they're going to lose that game." KU lost, 36-35.
Last night I was trying to go to the library and I couldn't find a parking space because the basketball team was playing. About an hour after arriving on campus, I finally got to a computer in the library. While I worked, I tracked the game's progress on foxsports.com. I might have been the only person in the library rooting for Oral Roberts University, which ended up winning, 78-71.
Tito is out of the office for the rest of the week, but I am sure he will return with an excuse about how Oral Roberts should have been ranked in the top ten, or about how KU was thrown off when Mercury traveled in front of the sun. Thug millionaire trainee Brandon Rush already blamed it on the fact the team appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated last week.
This Saturday, I'm hoping K-State beats the football team and ends their chances at a bowl bid. Maybe KU fans will blame that one on Britney and K-Fed breaking up.