Monday, December 11, 2006

Enemies

First of all, to the thousands of perverts who are reading this article: you've misspelled "enemas" in your search parameters. As for the rest of you (are there any?), I happen to know a thing or two about enemies. Now, there are two ways to rack up as many enemies as I have managed to accumulate: you can be a hateful person, or you can run up against hateful people.

I am not a hateful person. But it seems that the entire rest of the world is full of hate. Chalk full. Bursting-at-the-seems full. At a Thanksgiving dinner of hate, these people are the ones excusing themselves from the table to self-administer enemas in the bathroom, freeing up room for more hate consumption. (Hey, it turned out that this post really IS about enemas.)

Most of the time, these people are middle-aged female office professionals, which is just another name for "hateful people." But every once in a while, there's a wild-card in the bunch.
One of those wild-cards is this guy I work with. Let's call him Walt. Walt is so full of fate that he once went to Disneyland on a hot day, and the hatred in his sweat turned the Happiest Place on Earth (not to be confused with Tijuana) into a vile cesspool of murder and deceit (not to be confused with Knott's Berry Farm).

A couple months ago, I had a run-in with Walt, wherein he told me I was wasting his time, so I reminded him that he was, in fact, merely doing his job, so he flew into a Vesuvian rage that I would dare tell him what his job is, so I asked him who else in the company does what I had asked him to do, and he said only he does, so I said, "So it's your job?", so he went to my supervisor, and now I am not allowed to talk to Walt.

That's right: I am not allowed to talk to Walt. Anything I have to say to him is supposed to go through my supervisor. But here's the most recent development: Walt just said hi to me. I had to say hello back. Am I going to get fired for this? (I hope so. More and more, getting fired is looking like my best possible career move.) And what percentage of my enemies actually receive enemas? I guess there are some things we were never meant to know.

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