Friday, December 15, 2006


I am red angry!

I took my last final yesterday, so to celebrate being (temporarily) done with school, I decided I was going to watch all three extended-version Lord of the Rings movies after work. I expected my wife to put the kibosh on that idea, though, because it was a work night, and true to form, Persephone said I couldn't do it. So instead, I watched Click, which we had checked out from the library, and then I went to the library and got two more movies. One was Kind Hearts and Coronets, which I haven't watched yet. For the other one, I wanted to get the original Planet of the Apes, but they didn't have it, so I got stuck with the new Planet of the Apes.

Click was actually kind of good, and it made Persephone cry. I said to her, "You might be the first person in the world to ever cry at an Adam Sandler movie." But let me tell you about Planet of the Apes.

Worst. Movie. Evar.

I have never been so angry about a movie in my entire life. Part of the problem was the DVD skipping, which bugs the crap out of me. Two things infuriate me quite easily: skipping DVDs/CDs, and audible bass coming from cars in the parking lot or the neighbors' houses. [Editor's note: actually, lots of crap infuriates me.] But the skipping DVD was the least of my problems with this movie.

First of all, all of the good parts about the original movie were completely gone. Instead of the whole "Oh, it's really Earth!" thing, it turns out he's not really on Earth (as witnessed by the weird planets hanging around when he finally gets in a ship and leaves). Without accidentally being on Earth, there is no commentary on humanity.

Instead, a genetically-altered ape named Semos killed some humans and started a colony. And there's a bestiality love triangle that makes no sense. The space man and the ape woman kind of have some tension, but that's understandable, because they interact. The feral human girl, however, does nothing except show up late for the Red Sonja costume contest. I watched a good deal of the middle of the movie at double speed with the captions on.

The "point" of the movie, if there is one, seems to be the whole "apes and humans can live together" lesson that one would expect. There's some epic final battle, and just at the height of it (after a gorilla and an orangutan fly through the air at each other), the chimpanzee that the space man was trying to find at the beginning of the movie (before the electrical storm pushes him forward through time (!)) lands in a ship. So the humans and the apes never have that "We're part of the same group" moment. The space man kisses the ape girl good bye, then he runs over and gives a bigger kiss to the feral human girl, to whom he's said almost nothing all movie.

You don't get to kiss two girls good bye at the end of a movie. The ape girl wants him to stay, but he basically says, "You can't be serious; you're a monkey," and leaves. Conveniently, the electrical storm is still around, right where he left it, and instead of pushing him further forward through time, as it has done twice now, it miraculously pushes him backwards through time. Well, now, doesn't everything just work out perfectly for Leo Davidson, USAF?

Not quite, for when he gets back to his own time, he decides to crash land on the Mall in Washington (a perfectly legitimate place to crash land a spacecraft, by the way), and what to his wondering eyes should appear but a Lincoln Memorial with an ape Lincoln inside? [Editor's note: Ape Lincoln. That's pretty funny.] An ape Lincoln who, it turns out, is really the same ape as the one he battled earlier, when he was 500 years in the future? What?

And the movie ends.

I watched the last scene over again, with the director's commentary on, because I had to believe Tim Burton would say something like, "I feel so ashamed of this part," but instead, he was talking about how everyone on teh Internets hates the ending, but he likes it. He said, "I wouldn't have added more material, if I could." If you could? You were the director! If you couldn't, who could? The movie sprung from your head in its current form?

Now I'm all angry again, but at least I get to watch Kind Hearts and Coronets tonight, which features Obi-Wan Kenobi trying to kill Prince Feisal of Arabia. That should make for some interesting dialogue. ("Only a master of evil, Darth." "What I owe you is beyond evaluation.")

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