I don't really have anything to say right now, but when I post to my blog via e-mail, it looks like I'm working, when in fact I am not. So I get to not work while they get to think I am. Everybody wins!
Here's the thing: the interplay of humility and ambition. What is ambition but the lack of humility? At some level ambition boils down to: "I'm better than this." So an ambitious person is a proud person, and a humble person is an apathetic person. Well, pride and apathy are both bad things. So which one is it? Should I be proud, or should I be apathetic? Either way, what I'm doing is wrong.
Here we see traces of what I hate most about historic Christianity: its complete lack of real-world usefulness. A lot of conventional Christianity boils down to nothing more than: "Things will be better once you're dead." Well, what about NOW? "No, just wait it out." It's pretty convenient the way those Dark Ages Christian "Fathers" managed to convince people that the more apathetic you were to your horrible earthly existence, the better things were for you in Heaven.
So I'm a malcontent, and that's wrong, but lying down and waiting to die is wrong, too. Which brings me to another complaint: every damned thing is wrong. No matter what I do, it's the wrong thing. There was always something else I should have done. Unless, of course, I did that thing, in which case I should have done the other thing. It is impossible to do the right thing when "the right thing" is only defined as being the thing you didn't do.
Basically, I'm just waiting for six o'clock so I can go home. You don't have to pay attention to any of this. And by "you," I mean "no one," since no one reads this, anyway.
I've got so much worthless crap I have to do when I get off work. To whit:
- Buy a mattress.
- Unload the trunk of my car at the storage unit.
- Pay bills.
- Run the dishwasher.
- Wash clothes.
- Make kids' beds.
- Clean up toys.
- Hook up computers.
- Buy stamps.
- Mail letters.
- Put away the table leaf.
- Put away the drill.
- Put games in downstairs closet.
- Read Locke's Second Treatise of Government.
- Read Money and Banking homework.
- Read International Trade homework.
- Compute some stupid trade figures for Japan.
- Install tax software.
- File taxes.
- Get the mail.
Those are just the things I'm supposed to do that I'm planning on doing. There are twenty different things I should do that I'm not even going to get to. And, inevitably, come tomorrow, those are the ones I should have done.
I've spent my entire day waiting for six in the evening. I've wasted ten hours. I do it every day. I'm about to turn 30 and I have done nothing with my life except work for other people doing things that don't matter to anyone. I would want more, but ambition is wrong.