Holy hell, the world is coming to an end. I speak specifically today of the craptacular television show "Iron Chef America," which I saw for the first time this weekend. Yes, every time I start to think, "I wonder what we';re missing by not having cable," we go to my parents' house and see exactly what we're missing, then thank our lucky stars we're so poor. If I ever find myself contemplating signing up for cable I'll know I've got too much money on my hands.
What is wrong with "Iron Chef America"? It would be easier to tell you what isn't wrong with it: it hasn't led to any mass suicides (of which I'm aware).
Honestly, my problems begin and end with "The Chairman." Seriously? They all call him "The Chairman" with a straight face? Or are we watching Take 83 every time? Anyway, there's this guy called "The Chairman" who comes out in a martial arts outfit and does a cartwheel into a suit, or something like that. Then he announces the "secret ingredient" with smoke machines, yelling, and karate chops. Again, no one laughs. How, I'm sure I don't know. Maybe they've all received extensive training from Steve Carell.
I saw two episodes this weekend. In the first "The Chairman" introduced the secret ingredient as "THANKSGIVING!" and in the second it was "CRANBERRY!" Yes, he yelled out "cranberry" with his hands flailing. Then all episode long they called it "Battle of Cranberry."
I've looked for it on YouTube, but no one else seems to have the car-wreck can't-look-away-it's-so-bad reaction to it that I have. I told Persephone, "If we had cable I would Tevo the hell out of that show and make a YouTube clip like the one of Horatio Caine and his sunglasses," which is a family favorite in our house.