Thursday, January 17, 2008

Great Presidents

Yesterday Justin wrote, “voting for the best of the worst candidates only ensures that catastrophe is narrowly averted.”

He says that like narrowly avoiding catastrophe is a bad thing. But when comparing a movie where catastrophe is narrowly avoided, such as “Independence Day,” to a movie where catastrophe is never really possible, such as “Year of the Dog,” we see that, once again, Justin has been abusing pain pills while left unsupervised with a keyboard. (DISCLAIMER: That’s totally a joke, and if by some sick twist of fate it turns out that Justin has really been abusing pain pills, then I am totally sorry for that joke. Otherwise, I stand by my joke 100 percent.)

Not a catastrophe.

So who are the greatest presidents in history? According to this untrustworthy source, they are:

  1. George Washington
  2. Narrowly avoided losing the Revolution to the British

  3. Abraham Lincoln
  4. Narrowly avoided losing the Civil War to the Hillbillies

  5. Franklin Roosevelt
  6. Narrowly avoided losing freedom to the Socialists (despite his best efforts)

And who are the worst presidents? Just these three layabouts:

  1. Franklin Pierce
  2. From New Hampshire, which has been trying lately to spice things up by calling itself East Vermont. Yawn.

  3. Warren Harding
  4. It turns out criminals might be fun gambling buddies, but they make poor cabinet officers.

  5. James Buchanan
  6. Took a nap in early 1857 and woke up four years later just in time to strip the sheets off the bed before Lincoln moved in.

It should be obvious to anyone not abusing pain pills that the way to the top is through almost ruining everything. And that is what the current crop of presidential contenders has planned for the next four years. All of them promise to chase windmills while ignoring the nation’s most glaring problem of the future...



Justin said...

I think that I saw a Youtube video of a young John McCain starring in Don Quixote. Maybe it wasn't a young McCain... but rather his last visit to the Netherlands.

Bad presidents aren't really bad then are they? If we could just elect someone without any ideas, vision, or prerogative maybe we could have an enjoyable few years. Let's scour the retirement homes for our next leader. Maybe we could get something that we really want like a midday nap and free tapioca for everyone.

Justin said...

Leave my pain pills out of this!

Erik said...