Making Movies More Entertaining

If it wasn’t for our great imaginations, my wife and I would have a lot more complaints about the crap being turned out by Hollywood studios. However, “Spiderman 2” became quite engaging when I spent the entire movie trying to convince my wife that the guy who played Dr. Octopus (Albert Molina) was the guy who played Mark on “Mad About You” (Richard Kind). Last night we watched “Yes Man” and spiced things up by identifying the actor who played the friend with the motivational speaker literature as the actor who played Wayne Jarvis on “Arrested Development” (“I’m legally obligated to tell you there is no candy in this room”).

Part of the way through the movie I paused it and said something about how the Australian guy looked like Austin Powers. Persephone said, “Norman’s Australian? I thought he was English.” I said, “He doesn’t sound English.” So we looked him up and he turned out to be a New Zealanderarianite. (What do they call themselves? I mean, besides Kiwi?)

How do you distinguish between an Australian and a New Zealanderarianite? According to this website, there’s a way, but you’ve got to trick him into saying specific things like, “The cat sat on the mat” and “fish and chips.” Since the guy playing Norman didn’t say either of those in the movie, I feel I should get partial credit for guessing Australian. (Besides, aren’t all New Zealanderarianites really just Australians, like how all Canadians are really just snooty Americans with no tans?) This local news clip sounds as much Australian as “Strictly Ballroom.” When I read “Jack Russell: Dog Detective” to my kids I get into the Australian accent by remembering the line, “I want to dance my own steps!” and if I ever had to read a New Zealanderarianite book to them, I’d do the same. The good news for me, though, is I don’t think New Zealanderarianites write books. They make funny music and movies, though, just not books. I think it’s because they’re all mostly illiterate, right?