Movie Poster Crapulence

I hate movie posters. Nearly all of them have at least one of these three faults:
1. A drawing of a photograph instead of a photograph
2. Needless Photoshopping
3. Mismatched names and faces
Let's look at some movie posters and see what I mean.

Night at the Museum 2: Son of Nine Wasted Dollars

Now, the rocket blasting off and crap like that probably had to be digitally drawn in, but the line-up of the movie's stars didn't need to be drawn. Maybe having a photo right next to a drawing would highlight the contrast. But in the movie those are photos of the actors right next to drawings of Sassy Abe Lincoln.

I Love You, Formulaic Teen Comedy

Both of these actors were under contractual obligation to the studio, presumably at the same time. Why, then, couldn't they be made to pose for a picture together? Instead they took some individual shots of each and Photoshopped them together, really for no reason at all.

I Love You, Product Placement

Again, I understand the need for a Photoshop when you want lava in the shot and the actor has a no-lava-unless-tastefully-done clause in his contract, but when two dudes are going to stand next to each other and look at the same magazine, why don't they they actually stand next to each other and look at the same magazine? Another example of needless Photoshopping follows.

I Love You, Movie Title Format

This needless Photoshop (again, all three actors could appear together at the same time; this isn't an Eddie Murphy movie) introduces the next problem: names not matching up with faces. Billing order is some intricate matter of precendence, but placement on the poster is a matter of Photoshopper's whim. So you get mismatches like this:

Who's the dame? She made the movie poster, but she doesn't get a name. This problem is closely related to the reverse: eight names on the poster and only three faces. It's like the photographer and the copy editor are never allowed to meet, but are forced to communicate through personal ads in Variety. This is how they keep things exciting in Hollywood, since the production schedule is set for the rest of time (one PG-13 comedy for 10-year-old boys, one for 15-year-old girls, and one for parents, one R comedy for 15-year-old boys, one for 30-year-old boys, one action movie, one drama, one tear-jerker, and one family film where a washed-up actor plays a dad who always finds himself in zany, slapstick hijinks (which is the only kind of -jinks Hollywood tolerates)).
Lastly, I give you the most egregious movie poster since Corky Romano.

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

What a train wreck of a poster. First we have the needless Photoshop with the unbelievable lighting, then we have the name/face mashup, whence only Cynthia Nixon escapes unscathed. Lastly, for a movie about supposedly fashionable ladies, only Nixon and Kristin Davis (the two of whom would still be beautiful covered in rancid coleslaw) are presentable. Kim Cattrall has a rectangular prism of a body with unflattering bangs and the face of a teenaged male gymnast, while Sarah Jessica Parker has donned a Hefty bag that has been hand-colored by some blind Make-A-Wish winner. If there was justice in the world, this poster's creator would be bussing tables at the Denny's on Topanga Canyon Blvd. (the second-worst Denny's in the world, after that of Provo, UT). But because Hollywood is Hollywood, he probably got a three-picture deal out of it with an option for his own production company.