Today's Guest Celebrity Blogger: Me

Here’s how I pass the time at work: I read any Wikipedia article I can think of. That’s how I found out professional wrestler Bill Goldberg shares my birthday. That’s also how I found out the city of Menifee, California incorporated last year. Today I decided to read about Rosie O’Donnell, and that’s how I found out Wikipedia has a category for “American Bloggers.” And that I’m not on their list. (I checked under both my first AND last initials. Trust me, I’m not there.) If you people were more active in your adoration of my blog, I’d be on that damn list! All you have to do is tell three friends, every day, that my blog is the funniest blog you’ve ever read. (And they need to be different friends every day. And you can’t count them if they’ve ever told this to you.)

That’s right, I’m asking you to lie. What can I say? This list is really important to me. (But not important enough to just edit the Wikipedia page and add myself. That would be hack.) If you’re one of those people who has a moral aversion to lying, then at least you can honestly say, “I’ve never read a blog that makes heavier use of the parenthesis.” And if your friends are parentheses nuts, that might be enough to get me on that list. Then you can ask me to guest blog on your blog to boost your readership and I can say, “I don’t know; I’m not really into using my publicity like that,” and you can say, “I helped you when you wanted to get on that list,” and I can say, “That was so long ago, and anyway I was going to make the list anyway,” and you can say, “You just said ‘anyway’ twice,” and I can say, “The fact that you’re counting my ‘anyway’s tells me that you’re no longer a genuine friend,” and you can say, “You’ve changed, man,” and I can say, “Security, will you show my friend out, please?” and you can say, “I was just leaving, anyway,” and I can say, “Now look who thinks it’s cool to use the word ‘anyway’?” as I motion the guards to remove you and you can say, “I’m leaving on my own,” and I can say, “But you’ll leave much faster if Bruno and Ruben throw you out,” and Bruno can say, “My name is Derek; you fired Bruno last week,” and I can say, “Bruno, don’t contradict me! You’re fired! Ruben, throw Bruno out,” and Ruben can say, “Ruben was, like, eight guards ago. I’m Paul,” and I can say, “I don’t have time for this. I’m shooting my cameo in the new Jay-Z video today,” and my assistant can say, “Actually, Jay-Z’s people called to cancel because you are, quote, so last week, unquote,” and I can say, “Bruno, Ruben, bring my friend back in and say I’ve decided to do the guest blogging thing.”