FAQ

In the interest of saving time (and precious oxygen), as well as sparing your feelings when you ask me an embarrassing question, I've decided to answer the questions that are presently on the tip of your tongue (if you used your tongue to type, which is sort of what Stephen Hawking does, right?).

Q: Are you available?

A: Alas, ladies (and open-minded dudes), I'm married.

Q: But do you at least play the field?

A: I'm sorry, but I'm what John Steinbeck termed "an all-married man."

Q: Okay, but let's just say your wife died somehow, right? Would you ever consider getting remarried?

A: I would want someone to take care of our kids, but I'd feel guilty about marrying anyone hot, and I'd always be afraid my dead wife would haunt the crap out of me for it, so I think I would immediately marry a Filipino housekeeper.

I hear wedding bells.

Q: Is it true that you're going on vacation for two weeks?
A: Why yes, that is true. Funny you should ask.

Q: You told me to ask that.
A: That wasn't in the form of a question.

Q: You told me to ask that?
A: What are you, a 15-year-old girl? Learn to speak with proper inflection.

Q: How many new counties are you going to get on this trip?
A: Twenty-nine.

Q: Do you keep track of the counties you and your wife have kissed in?
A: Yes, I keep track of a lot of things.

Q: What about the counties you've gotten it on in?
A: I just said I keep track of a lot of things.

Q: Do you know where you're going to be living in six weeks?
A: No. Aside from a general "northern Virginia" type of answer.

Q: Do you know how you're going to earn money for your family in six weeks?
A: Did my father-in-law put you up to this line of questioning?

Q: What do you do to pass the time at work?
A: That's a great question. I like to watch "Primetime in No Time" and it's scrappy cousin "Daytime in No Time" on Yahoo! [their exclamation point, not mine].

Q: How do you get to these shows?
A: You go to http://www.yahoo.com/. Click on the "entertainment" tab. Then click on "more entertainment." Then click on the "TV" tab. Then scroll all the way to the bottom of the page.

Q: Are you serious?
A: I don't think they want anyone to know they're there. But I'll take all the hard work out of it for you: PiNT and DiNT.

Q: Who's your favorite celebrity right now?
A: I'd say Jenny Sanford. Between the belittling position of accepting your spouse's infidelity and the haughty position of a "zero strikes and your out" mentality is the level-headed, self-respecting yet forgiving statement of Jenny Sanford. I've written before about the annoyingly self-righteous attitude of the modern woman, and I dislike anyone who deals in ultimatums, especially before the fact.

Q: Wow, what a way to end on a downer.
A: Tell me about it. And it'll be two weeks before I post anything more upbeat.