The Hate Train's A-Comin'

So it seems these days I get most of my will to live from my intense hatred of various things and people. And as hard as this may be to believe, I’ve found something I hate even more than old people: Lady Gaga.

Old people have at least SOME redeeming qualities: they often die with piles of cash to distribute, and they are hilarious when they are in movies to say age-inappropriate things, like, “If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.” Lady Gaga, however, has no redeeming qualities at all. She can’t sing, she can’t dance, she can’t wear pants, she can’t name herself, she can’t display her natural hair, and she can’t do her makeup. (I’d include a picture of her here, but celebrity photo copyrights seem more binding than stock photo copyrights, which I violate all the time.) Whenever I see a picture of her she looks more ridiculous than ever before. Her celebrity reminds me to repent because the Apocalypse must be just weeks away. A careful reading of Revelation yields this: “Beware the coming of the talentless Italian fake bisexual, for then ye shall know that the end is near, yea, it is even upon you as pantlessness is upon her. Amen.” I guess Lady Gaga DOES have at least one redeeming quality: she reminds us, “Jesus is coming; look busy!”