Sunday, September 27, 2015

That's What Little Girls Are Made Of

Because it's my duty to bring you absolutely insane things that people say on the Internet, here's an article by a grown-ass man who admits that he consistently sits down to pee, and he gives reasons every other man should, too.

He says 1/3 of all men are doing this now. Which is completely false. How do I know? Because nothing like 1/3 of men in a restroom are heading into the stalls. When a guy goes into the stall to pee (because the line for the urinal is too long), he leaves the stall door open and uses the toilet like a urinal. If you doubt this, spend some time in an arena bathroom between periods of a hockey game.

Why? Because pooping in public is weird and, like all weird things, shameful. So a guy goes out of his way to make sure you don't think he's pooping in a public restroom.

The guy who writes this article says he'll give us ten reasons, but he ends up giving the reason "you can't miss" about three different ways. I understand the desire to not miss when it's your home toilet. So I guess I can't speak about what a guy does in the privacy of his own home. But I can note that sitting down is not a guarantee that you can't miss. How many guys have been unpleasantly surprised to find that they have peed between the bowl and toilet seat?

Also, the author makes the ridiculous claim that it's easier to urinate with an erection if you are sitting down. Yeah, once you've jerry-rigged that thing inside the toilet seat and had the head of your penis pressed up against the inside of the toilet bowl. Because that is the textbook definition of "hygiene," right? Nothing gets the ladies in the mood like offering to swab their insides with something you've just run around under the rim of a toilet bowl.

This article is another example of how a "solution" creates a problem that we're then told needs more of the "solution." Why do little boys not aim correctly when they pee? Part of the issue is that they've been told they can't touch their penises. Proper aim requires more than a directing of the hips, more than a single finger providing the lightest of pressures. Don't start telling your sons at age two that their penises are dirty and then express amazement at age five that they can't manage to aim the things.

So we've given little boys neuroses about their penises and then we say, "Why don't we just pretend that they completely don't exist?" That's not a solution. That's more of the problem.

1 comment:

Stephen said...

Mr. Pee Sitting Down is like the "innovators" that Samuel Johnson condemned as "vain men [who] will gratify themselves at any expence. Truth will not afford sufficient food to their vanity; so they have betaken themselves to errour. Truth, Sir, is a cow that will yield such people no more milk, and so they are gone to milk the bull."