Who Is This Guy?

I was born not as recently as I'd like to think in western Pennsylvania, then did most of my growing up in suburban Los Angeles. At the age of six I met my wife, and wanted to marry her immediately. Well, I immediately wanted to marry her at a much later date, when I'd be in a better position to provide for a family. Now 30 years and four kids later, I still can't provide for a family, so I guess it's a good thing we didn't wait for that.

My wife was my occasional high school girlfriend. We dated for most of senior year, but did not win "class couple," even though we're still together and the couple that did win was broken up in, like, two years. Way to pick a winner, graduating class. (You bastards.)

We didn't even take two years to break up. But after coming frighteningly-close to marrying someone else, I ended up marrying her right around the time of our five-year reunion. I had a cushy civil servant job, we got an extended cable package, we ate at restaurants two to three times per week, and we started having kids.

What I can never, ever, really complain about my wife: when I decided I wanted to quit my job without quite knowing why, she was cool with it. Within a year we had moved to the urban part of Kansas (yes, there is one), and I was working at a garage door factory. Not exactly what I had in mind, but four years later we moved again, this time to Virginia for graduate school.

Along the way, we picked up the following adorable parasites: Crazy Jane, Articulate Joe, Jerome Jerome the Metronome, and Squidgems. We homeschool them, which means our kitchen table is always covered by either papers or food (usually both).

We recently finished living in China for a two-year teaching position. Lots of people we met there told us, "We came for three years, and that was 12 years ago!" But we managed to avoid that. We moved to Florida and I hate moving so much that I insist we are permanent Floridians now. (Unless this turns out to be a crap place to live.)

I'm nearing the end of grad school, which means I could use a good job right now, so I think one of you should totally hook me up with something. I mean, imagine how much fun I'd be in your office's boring-ass staff meetings! I am very versatile in terms of which office role I can play: I'm usually the sardonic humorous guy, but I can also play the not-nerdy intellectual guy (I'm getting a PhD), the heartwarming family guy (four kids, and more as soon as your company gives my wife pregnancy-covering health insurance), or the opinionated political guy (I've recently scored solidly Libertarian on an online test of such things). Come on, hook a brotha up! (Disclosure: My use of "brotha" should not be construed as signaling qualification for any EEOC classification. I'm so white I make Ellen DeGeneres look like Sister Souljah.)