Tuesday, April 15, 2008

"It's Always Better On Holiday"

John McCain (soldier, erstwhile tiger cage occupant, stalwart defender of politicians' 1st Amendment right to have nothing negative said about them in a public forum near an election) wants to have a "summer gas tax holiday."

What might John McCain (war hero, tiger cage, schoolmarm) be thinking? Fortunately, I can channel the departed spirit that once inhabited the epileptic corpse that is John McCain (hero, tiger, gag orderer).

"See here, you little snots! How dare you question my thinking? I don't answer to you or to anybody, see? I'm John [redacted] McCain! I can't comb my [redacted] hair because your parents were dropping acid and contracting syphilis! I look like I've got a [redacted] mop on my head and you laugh, but I'll laugh last, see? I'm going to cut gas taxes all summer so prices will appear to go down and the public will love me. Then people will use more, so prices will go up. Then the summer will end, the taxes will come back, and the public will be crushed under the burden! Ha ha! You hear me laughing, [redacted]ers?! I'll crush you, just like my VC overlords commanded! You don't [redacted] with Charlie, you hear? Are you eyeballing me, mister?! You think I'm crazy, eh? You think I can't think straight? Well excuse me for going crazy in defense of your freedom, maggot! I'm a great patriot! Avert your [redacted] eyes!"

Other things McCain (god, animal, Big Brother) wants to send on holiday include Brussels sprouts, unhousebroken dogs, and broads with great racks who wear baggy clothing.

McCain '08: Because He's a White Male™.

Title from Franz Ferdinand's song "Jacqueline."


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Nancy said...

i haven't really seen a lot of how john mccain is in real life, so whenever i think of him, i imagine your perception of him. it's pretty humorous.