I said last night to Persephone, "I totally understand now where loser kids come from."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"If it were up to me, we wouldn't own a television, our kids would never eat fast food. Our kids would be the freaky kids that their friends mock."
She said, "Especially since you probably mocked [the girl at whose Easter egg hunt my underwear fell out of my pant leg] for not having a TV."
"I didn't. I didn't know she didn't have one. I made fun of a boy in my fifth grade class, but that was because he had this superior attitude. He'd go around saying, 'My family's awesome because we don't watch TV. I read 10,000 pages a year. I read at a 23-rd grade reading level.' So we had to make fun of him."
"That's what you're like now. You don't want a TV. You read 10,000 pages last year."
"But I'm not all braggy about it. And our kids wouldn't be. They would just say, 'Um, yeah, we don't actually own a TV.'"
My secret fantasy is to have our children watch TV when they've been told not to, and I'll take the TV into the backyard and shoot it. That would be a story they would never forget. However, it would be kind of wasteful unless the TV were either broken or about to break. (Our TV has developed weird color splotches across the middle that make it look like everyone is wearing a green masquerade mask and a pink shrug.) Maybe when TV switches over to HD would be a good time, since Persephone and I are locked in a clandestine struggle over whether to get a converter box (and whether to use a government coupon to get it). Also, I would need a backyard and a gun, two things I don't own right now.
The Friendly Jerk knows we don't have cable but he keeps coming to work and asking me questions like, "Do you get CNN? Do you get FoxNews?" Today I said, "You have no concept what channels are cable channels, do you?" He said, "No." I asked, "Do you remember a time when you didn't have cable?" He said, "No." I said, "That's how I remember what channels are cable channels. I remember a time when we suddenly got 30 extra channels and I know those are all cable channels." (Also, for about ten years we had to get up, go to the back of the television, and flip a switch from A to B to watch cable.) Oh, the humanity!