Monday, July 21, 2008

Stealing Indiana Jones's Girlfriend

Erik asked for a telling of this story, so here it is.

When I was at BYU I was in College Republicans, mostly because I needed an excuse to not go to class. When I was treasurer the chairman lined up a guest speaker. He was a documentary film maker named Dodge Billingsley, and he was basically the coolest man alive. Everything about him was cool: his name (totally action adventure star-ish), his hair (grey but dignified, like Anderson Cooper thinks his is), his face (ruggedly handsome for a 40+-year-old), and his job. He told us he traveled the world, getting himself smuggled into war-torn areas and then making documentaries about the conflicts. For instance, he went to Azerbaijan and put out the word that he was interested in going to Chechnya. Then he just sat around Baku and waited to get kidnapped. They blindfolded him and took him to Chechnya. I thought, “This guy is a real-life Indiana Jones.” And I noticed he had this super hot girlfriend with him. He ended his talk with a pitch for his film, and the club felt a little awkward and bought a DVD. I was the treasurer and his girlfriend was his cashier, so I interacted with her a little while I bought the DVD.

Okay, the next year (2000) I was chairman of College Republicans. It was even more time-consuming than being treasurer, which meant I almost never had time to go to class. (I really liked that aspect of it, but it turned out the university wanted me to go to class, and a semester later I was kicked out. When people hear you’ve been kicked out of BYU they figure you got somebody pregnant or had a drug problem, and when you say, “No, it was just for grades,” they think, “Sure it was, Spermy McCrack-Fiend!”) Anyway, one of my duties was debating the chairman of College Democrats, a guy named Jake Rugh (who my friend Jill and I called “J. Crew”). Well, one of our debates was in the big empty space in the middle of the Wilkinson Center (RIP, Step-Down Lounge). There was a good-looking girl in the front row who furrowed her brow whenever I spoke and smiled when J. Crew spoke, so I figured she was from his club. When we finished the debate (my killer line in all these debates was “The Democrat Party is anti-life,” to which J. Crew could only respond, “Um, well, not all Democrats kill babies”), this girl got up to ask a question. I was prepared for a difficult one, but she gave me some softball question like, “Isn’t it true that Republicans love America?” and then she asked J. Crew some hard question about abortion. After the debate she came up to talk to me and I invited her to attend a College Republicans meeting.

College Republicans had an election night meeting to watch the returns from the presidential election. This girl came. (She needs a blog name, and my friend Jill used to call her--in keeping with her retail outlet nickname theme--Hot Topic, but that seems a little mean, especially since to disprove Jill’s theory I once went to the mall with this girl, happened to walk past Hot Topic, and casually asked, “Do you ever shop there?” and she said she did not. So I guess I’ll call her Young'Un #4.) Anyway, our meeting started at seven, and I was supposed to talk about the results on KBYU at nine. I waited and waited, but eventually it was quarter-to-nine and I had to run over to the KBYU studios to talk about an election that wasn’t over yet. I came back to the College Republicans meeting in the Tanner Building and still awaited an outcome, but eventually it was ten and they were kicking us out of the building. I was disappointed because I didn’t have TV at my house (I usually used Erik for his TV, but it was ten at night and he was probably busy man-whoring it up somewhere). Young'Un #4 said, “You can come watch some more at my house.”

It turned out she lived at home, so we went to her house and I met her mother who went to bed and we watched NBC in her basement. A few hours later they called Florida for Bush and Young'Un #4 and I made out in celebration.

I had taken a lot of crap from friends (like Erik and Jill) regarding my penchant for young'uns, so I decided to do some background work first. When she told me she was a sophomore, I figured I was home free. Not so. Evidently she had started college very young and had only recently turned 18. We went on a date (the one to the mall), and that was about it for our relationship. A couple weeks later she came over to my apartment before I left town for Thanksgiving and she said she’d been to a College Republicans meeting the year before, when she came with her boyfriend, Dodge Billingsley. What?! What?! She said she’d broken up with him, too. Since she dumped him, and then kind of pursued me, I took that to mean I was cooler than he was, and he was a real-life Indiana Jones, which made me something like Julius Caesar crossed with Zeus. When she went home I called Erik and said, “I stole Indiana Jones’s girlfriend!”

Of course, Erik won’t be satisfied without the conclusion of the story: on my Thanksgiving trip I kissed Young'Un #5 (she was the last of them) and never saw Young'Un #4 again. When Erik asked me why I stopped seeing Young'Un #4, I said, “She kissed way too good.” He loves that quote.

Now for an embarrassing story about Erik (as if Cristin doesn’t already share enough of them): Erik once made out with his first cousin. Now that's embarrassing!


Erik said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Erik said...

For the Record, I gave you notice for and arranged you a meeting with youngin #5, other then that you were on your own. As far as Youngin#4, she was cute, and really smart, and reminded me alot of Cristin. Smart, loved writing, ULTRA SARCASTIC, skinny, blond, ya know the type I'm into. It turns out that Youngin#4 moved into the apartment building across the street from me, across the hall from my Sister.

While I was still single and lonley and you had left for the summer, I thought of trying to go on a date with youngin#4, but figured I could live with myself if my sister across the hall caught me being the man-whore I always wanted to be, so I wussed out. I still regret missing that oppertunity to this day, because after you description of her, I always made an effort to flirt with and get to know Youngin#4 better. Oh well, if only if only.
Nothing like reliving the good ol college singlehood glory days to remind you that you ended up with the best. But is also helps remind you that at one time, you actually turned others down.
I feel better about myself already for today, and judging by the length of your post, so do you. That's what I'm hear for buddy, to build you up. Kicked Indian Jones to the CURB BAY-BAY!

Cristin said...

You better PRAY no one reads your blog, because Erik is going to kill you for writing that last part. That is one of those few things that I am prohibited from telling anyone - the big taboo topic - and they weren't related by BLOOD, so it's not as bad as you made it sound.

Jill said...

Hot Topic was a good nickname, however, Forever 21 might have been better in her case