Thursday, November 30, 2006

Jimmy John's: Follow-Up

I can't overstate this fact: the Italian Night Club with hot peppers and no onions has to be the greatest sandwich ever invented in the history of man. If my wife and children ever die and I survive alone, I will eat one of these sandwiches every day. And the one I just had did not make that much of a mess. (But delivery just took almost an hour, even though I work only two blocks from the store.)

Jimmy John's

There are a number of things I love about Jimmy John's sandwiches.

  1. 1. They are very tasty.
  2. 2. They are very cheap.
  3. 3. They deliver.

But there is one thing I HATE about Jimmy John's sandwiches.

  1. 1. The innards slide right out of the bread.

I think it has something to do with the manner of preparation. It seems the first thing they put in the bread is mayonnaise, then cheese, then everything else. When you bite one end of the sandwich, the pincer action of your mouth forces the meat, cheese, and vegetables--lubed up with the mayonnaise--out the other end.

I talked about this with a co-worker of mine, and he said his solution is to not eat the sandwich from end-to-end, but to eat it more like an ear of corn or a typewriter (it turns out there is a way to eat a typewriter).

So I gave that a try two days ago. Persephone brought me an Italian Night Club with hot peppers and no onions, and I ate it by pitting the pincer force of my mouth against the joint of the bread. Well, my mouth was too strong for the bread. I ended up forcing the innards out the back of the sandwich, which turned out to be messier than having it come out the end.

So I still don't know how to eat a Jimmy John's sandwich. If anyone has any suggestions, I am willing to give them a shot.

PS: My bus never came this morning, so I spent nearly an hour waiting at the stop until the dispatcher I called on my cell-phone sent around a special van to pick me up. According to the bank sign next to my bus stop, it was 16 degrees. When I got to work, said the wind chill-adjusted temperature was zero. This means that, two hours later, I am still having trouble typing. And when the van got there, they STILL charged me fifty cents. So now I get to pay to be late to work.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

"Weather Changes Moods"

Yesterday was a balmy 74 degrees. Today is 27, with a wind-chill that feels like 17. That's quite the temperature swing.

I had to stand outside waiting for a bus for 40 minutes today. Even though I was wearing gloves, my hands got so cold that I am still having difficulty typing, over an hour later.

In conclusion, the manufacturer of my gloves should die in a fire. There is no label inside them, or else I would specify the make and model. They are black and white wool with brown leather patches shaped like handprints on the undercarriage.

I don't want to switch to ski gloves, though, because they look lame when you're not skiing. I want a civilized-looking glove that keeps my hands warm. Come on, Science! Do something useful!

Title from Nirvana's "In Bloom."

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Down in Flames

I have never actually said where I work, but an enterprising reading might be able to figure it out, so I don't think I should go into great detail about anything here, but let me just say this: it sucks when there is a weak link at the company, and somehow that person manages to obtain some sort of immunity, so every time he screws up, management comes after the other links and tells them, "You need to shape up or you're out of here!" No, friends, there is only one person who needs to shape up, or we're all out of here.

My only concern now is to make sure I qualify for unemployment benefits when the company decides to fire me. I bet they will do it the week before Christmas, because that's the type of bastards they are.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Mean Blog Readers

A couple months ago, Persephone was featured in the local paper in one of those "person on the street" articles. They asked her a question and then took her picture. The discussion thread for the online edition of the article, though, was full of hateful people criticizing her response.

Today I happened upon a blog where a woman posted a different picture every day. They were supposed to be neat pictures of nature of whatever. Her husband wanted her to post a picture he took of her leg while she was getting into the car, so she did. The discussion thread for that post had five people telling her that her legs were gross, and one guy who posted his e-mail address in case she wanted to have sex.

I seriously hope that all the posts were jokes. People aren't that worthless these days, are they? It kind of makes me glad that nobody reads my blog.

Speaking of nobody reading: my wife told me a couple days ago that she had checked my blog. I said, "I don't think you did, because there is a post there about how long it will take you to comment and you haven't commented on that post yet." She said, "I read it, but I didn't comment." So maybe there ARE people reading my blog, they're just too lazy to make themselves known. But if their manner of making themselves known is to criticize my legs, it's probably better this way.

Vocabulary Test

I tried posting this twice from work, but our e-mail was down. If I can't post to my blog from work, there's really no reason for me to go in anymore, but that's beside the point right now.

Here's the point of this post: I've invented another word.

ROOVES: the plural of "roof." When a knife is joined by his cousin, they become two knives, and the same thing happens for half/halves and wolf/wolves, so why not with roof/rooves? I say, "It's about time!"

When I was discussing this with my wife this morning, we starting thinking about other words for which the "F to V" rule works or doesn't work. Proof/proofs, goof/goofs, and poof/poofs all go counter to the rule (the word "proves" isn't the plural form of the noun).

Another weird one is the word "booth," which becomes "booths," but the "th" goes from unvoiced to voiced, like the difference between the word "thee" and the first syllable of the word "thesis."

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Root, Root, Root for the Visiting Team

So here's the deal: I attend the University of Kansas (cunningly disguised as KU), and I root against the Jayhawks.

I wish I didn't. I wish I could root for KU like I should. I used to root for KU, before I moved here and started school. But now I can't.

KU fans are insufferable poor sports. They have taken ordinary team pride and turned it into team snobbery. Any basketball poll that doesn't have the Jayhawks ranked #1 is a direct result of "east coast bias." Any time the football team wins half their games, they deserve a bowl bid. I don't root against the Jayhawks as much as I root against their fans.

I work with the king of all Jayhawks apologists, Tito. He can tell you why Butler and Bucknell should have been seeded higher than they were when they eliminated Kansas the last two years in the NCAA tournament. He can tell you how Danny Manning once took a dump that smelled like roses and was made of solid gold.

Last March I had to go to Santa Fe with him for work. He was going to pick me up Monday morning at six for the drive to the airport. The night before was when the NCAA announced the tournament seedings. With no prior knowledge of the outcome, I told Persephone, "I really don't want to ride to the airport with him and have to listen about how the Jayhawks are a #4 seed but they should really be a #3 seed." The next morning, THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

I told him that, had KU not upset Texas in the Big 12 tournament, I didn't think they were good enough of a team to get a bid at all. It was at that very moment that he stopped thinking we were friends.

A couple weeks ago, I took my kids to sit on the hill above Memorial Stadium and watch the first half of the football game between KU and Oklahoma State. We had to leave at half time to go pick up Persephone from a church event. The score was 14-0, KU. Oklahoma State had failed to score after having a first down on KU's two yard line. As we left, Crazy Jane said, "Who won?" I said, "No one yet." She said, "Who's going to win?" I said, "Well, KU is winning right now, but given how they play football lately, Oklahoma State has a shot." KU lost, 42-32.

The next week, Persephone was on the Internet checking her e-mail and she said, "KU is beating Baylor right now, 35-17." I said, "I wonder how they're going to lose that game." KU lost, 36-35.

Last night I was trying to go to the library and I couldn't find a parking space because the basketball team was playing. About an hour after arriving on campus, I finally got to a computer in the library. While I worked, I tracked the game's progress on I might have been the only person in the library rooting for Oral Roberts University, which ended up winning, 78-71.

Tito is out of the office for the rest of the week, but I am sure he will return with an excuse about how Oral Roberts should have been ranked in the top ten, or about how KU was thrown off when Mercury traveled in front of the sun. Thug millionaire trainee Brandon Rush already blamed it on the fact the team appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated last week.

This Saturday, I'm hoping K-State beats the football team and ends their chances at a bowl bid. Maybe KU fans will blame that one on Britney and K-Fed breaking up.

Your Favorite Blog Sucks

So my blog formatting sucks, because most of my posts are e-mails I send myself from work, and the non-HTML format that our IT Nazis make us use for e-mails makes all my line breaks look like teh suck.

Random question: I have been thinking about a joke I saw in a movie and I can't remember which movie it is. Some awkward character tells this joke to someone else: a guy in the military named Johnson has a mother who dies, and Johnson's commanding officer is notified. The officer thinks, "I don't know how to break the news to Johnson." So the next morning he has his platoon line up and he says, "Everyone whose mother is still alive, take one step forward. Not so fast, Johnson."

What movie is that?

[Editor's Note: many of the formatting issues I complained about in 2006 have subsequently been corrected.]

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

"I Remember...The Alamo!"

I remember the last word I forgot yesterday: attribute.

PS: Horrendous computer error when I got to work today made it so I couldn't do anything for over an hour. Hurray!

Title from Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

"Blinded Me With Science"

Now that this is nothing but a forum to entertain myself (not like that, perv!), I have all kinds of things to write. For instance, I work at a computer that faces away from the business's front door. Across the street is an art gallery with an illuminated sign out front. When I look at the reflection in my computer screen, I can see the sign lit up, but I can also see the glass door of my workplace lit up where the light is passing through it, which is something I could NOT see were I to turn around and look at the door. That's pretty cool.

PS: My wife is puking today. That means our kids are doing whatever they want, so when I get home from work, they will have turned the living room into a disaster. But at least they are having more fun today than they have in a long while.

Title from Thomas Dolby's "She Blinded Me With Science."

"Language Lessons"

So, here are three new words or phrases I've invented over the past couple years. I know nobody reads this, but I am posting this here so I will have them written down in a place I can find, instead of jotting them on tiny scraps of paper I end up losing.

  • THREVE: a word that means "all three," like how "both" means "all two." So when there are two things on the table and you say, "Give me both of them," you could also say of three things, "Give me threve of them." You can NOT use this word with the word "all," such as "Give me all threve of them." You would never say, "All both," so you can't say, "All threve."

    Immediately after inventing this word while riding in the car with my wife, we parked in front of my parents' house and I was about to take three things to the door, so I got to say, "Hand me threve of them, please."

  • TRUMP CLASSY: a word that describes something not classy at all, but very expensive, so the person who spent all the money thinks it's classy.

    For instance, many of the expensive things purchased by Navin Johnson in the movie The Jerk are Trump classy. Named after the king of Trump classy, Donald Trump.

  • FERPECT: a word that means "perfect" when used sarcastically. For instance, when you try to toss something into a trash can with precision, only to have it miss the can and burst open on the floor next to it, you could say, "Ferpect."

    I think it is best to use this word when your efforts have brought about the worst-case scenario, perhaps a scenario that would not have happened at all had you not tried to do the opposite.

So, there are my new words. Use them a lot. That would be totally rufus.

Since I'm now only using my blog to write notes to myself, I'll include this little bit about a hobby of mine: finding words that are pronounced differently when used as different parts of speech. For instance, "SUSPECT," "PERMIT," "PROJECT," "PROCEED," and there was one more I just read yesterday in a book called Monetary Policy and Bretton Woods, but I can't remember it now.

Also, I am intrigued by words that change the stressed syllable when it is made into an adjective, like "PHILOSOPHY" and "PHILOSOPHICAL" or "ECONOMY" and "ECONOMICAL." So keep your eyes open for any of those.

Title from Better Off Dead.