Friday, December 29, 2006

New Year

The New Year is upon us like a drunken frat boy upon your teenaged daughter. And the word on the street is that this New Year has busy hands.

Speaking of busy hands, my hands have been dramatically not busy lately, as I continually experience new depths of idleness. No one at work is motivated anymore, and it's just as well, seeing as the billable work is going away faster than Rick James CDs from the bargain bin when the Irony Club's tour bus stops at the outlet mall music store.

You know your work is no longer interesting when you think, "I wonder what wikipedia has to say about salt water," and then end up reading the article about salt water, the one about sea water, and the one about sea level.

But a year is ending. This was the first year I ever developed concrete goals before the start of the year. I had twelve goals, three in each of four categories: personal, professional, familial, and educational. I achieved one of my familial goals and all of my educational goals. I am very close to accomplishing my three professional goals. I possibly have accomplished another familial goal (we won't know until Persephone either starts menstruating or not). One of my personal goals--read 25,000 pages--will not be met, but I will top 21,000, which will be my best year so far (I was over 20,000 in 2003 and 2004). So overall, I'm pretty happy with my progress.

I've got twelve new goals lined up for next year. We'll see how those go. I didn't used to be a "goal" type of guy, but now I guess I am. It's funny how life can surprise us, like next week when life surprises me with unemployment.

Movie Quotes

There are two particular movie quotes that I think sum up modern western society pretty nicely. One is from Napoleon Dynamite, and the other is from About A Boy.

As they reside in my memory (which should be pretty accurate, but maybe not), they go something like this:

Napoleon Dynamite

UNCLE RICO: Now, if you invest in the 32-piece set, I'm gonna throw in a free gift.

LANCE: So what's the gift?

UNCLE RICO: [unveils mini sailboat] I bet you folks don't have one of these.

LANCE'S WIFE: [sotto voce, stridently] I want that.

Oh, man, that slays me every time. "I want that." Why? Just because she doesn't already have it? I think what makes it stand out the most to me is how true-to-life it is. All it takes is some shiny packaging and some footage of girls in bikinis using a product and having fun, and suddenly my brain says, "I want that." I'm an idiot, just like Lance's wife. (Incidentally, I also love the looks of reproach and shame that Lance and his wife exchange after Lance tries unsuccessfully to tear the "NuPont fiber-woven bowls." Priceless.)

About A Boy

MARCUS: Of course you can't help me. How could you? You're just a stupid person who watches TV all day and buys things.

Again, a concise summation of my existence. I would have that placed on my tombstone--"Here lies a stupid person who watched TV all day and bought things"--but I plan on being too destitute for a tombstone. If I had to hazard a guess as to what would happen to my remains, I would say the local government authority would get stuck with the tab of cremation, and then they would recoup some of the expense by selling the ashes to a rat poison company. The Circle of Life, my friends. The Circle of Life.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Movie Reviews

Firstly, I don't think I mentioned yesterday that it was my birthday. Yee. Haw. I am now twenty-nine, which means Persephone still will get mad at me when I tell her I'm thirty, but now I'm much closer. (When we saw my dad last week, he wished me a happy thirtieth birthday. He really thought I was turning thirty.)

Secondly, I got bored and frustrated Tuesday night, so I shaved my beard. I originally started growing it in October when it first got cold, and my intention was to keep it until the spring equinox. I thought it was a great idea to use my natural mammal qualities against the weather. Suck it, weather! Yeah! But then I realized that it really doesn't make me any warmer, and it's not really that cold so far this winter. I left the moustache, though, because it was my birthday, and I am worth it. Persephone hates the moustache. Well, then I guess it's a good thing she can't grow one.

Thirdly, I have seen two movies over the last two days, and so I will now review them.

The first was You, Me, and Dupree, which Persephone rented from the grocery store (Midwest grocery stores ROCK!) because it has Owen Wilson, and we think he is funny. Owen Wilson and Hugh Grant in the same movie would make our heads explode from laughter. But anyway, as for this movie, I guess it was all right. There were some funny moments, but even The Family Stone had at least one funny moment (when Luke Wilson stands up on Christmas morning and buttons his new jacket he's wearing overtop of his pajamas).

My biggest problem with Y, M, & D was the fact that Kate Hudson gets so angry with Matt Dillon for allowing his work to get out of control, but Matt Dillon is working for her dad. She never takes that into account. Also, it was weird that Amanda Detmer was listed in the opening credits, but she has one speaking line, delivered from off camera. Couldn't they have just hired a producer's sister and saved some of the (wikipedia says) fifty-eight million dollars of production? Still, though, it is better than the new Planet of the Apes, but then, so is getting a colostomy bag.

The second movie was The Devil Wears Prada. I was not expecting great things from this movie, and frankly, I was a little pissed I had to watch it on my birthday. I alleviated some of that anger by multitasking, making my reading schedule for next year while we watched. I used to like Anne Hathaway, but now I think she's just a whore. Not "Lindsay Lohan" whore, but still a whore. But the movie was pretty good. I liked Stanley Tucci's character, and wish all gay men could be so non-flamboyant. But the problem with this movie is that, while all her friends are getting down on her for getting caught up in the world of fashion, that's not what was happening. She was caught up in her job, which is a way different thing. Also, the movie tried to end about eight different times. And, her boyfriend asks her to move to Boston with him, but then she goes and gets a job in New York.

Still, way better than the new Planet of the Apes.

Fourthly, I just realized that, as much as I try to dress it up, my job really is nothing more than comparing two sequential numbers and making sure the odd number is higher. For ten hours a day.

Fifthly, another firing occurred while I was writing this e-mail. And it wasn't who needed to get fired next. Down in flames, baby. Down in flames.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

"I'm Back!"

That's right, fools!

I had a pretty good Christmas, and our house wasn't burglarized, even though I told you we were not going to be home, which proves that no one reads my blog. Which is just as well, since it is all crap, anyway.

A couple words that have been on my mind lately:

  • CLOSE (adj.) and CLOSE (v.): one means "near," the other means, "not open," but they are spelled the same way. Where it gets really weird is when you add an R, since CLOSER is an adjective and CLOSER is a noun, so you can say, "When the manager wants to bring in a pitcher from the bullpen to end the game, he usually opts for the closer closer."
  • PROPHESY (v.) and PROPHECY (n.): what changes between the two spellings is the consonant, but what changes between the two pronunciations is the final vowel. I don't know of any other words where a change of a one letter changes how you pronounce the rest, aside from vowels and diphthongs and whatnot.
  • RECORD (v.) and RECORD (n.): another one of those words that changes its stressing depending on if it's a noun or a verb. The verb is stressed on the second syllable, while the noun is stressed on the first syllable.

Since today is my birthday (don't even try to wish me happy birthday now--you've had several paragraphs to do it already!) one of the women with whom I work has purchased my lunch, which I am eating right now. The only thing better than pad thai is free pad thai. (Well, that and an Italian Night Club with hot peppers and no onions.)

My grades for last semester: three As and a B. Piece of monkey crap. I've been upset about that for a week now.

I got the latest album by The Killers for Christmas, and let me just say, I like it a lot. The wikipedia page says it has met with "mixed reviews." Well, if you are one of the mixed reviewers, you can just lick my taint spot, because that album is the finest rock and roll album ever created by man or machine or animal (monkey included).

I also got some books for Christmas, about which I am very excited: The Implosion of American Federalism, by Robert Nagel, King Lear, by William Shakespeare, The Way We Live Now, by Anthony Trollope, The Case for Democracy, by Natan Sharanksy, Because He Could, by Dick Morris, and In the Presence of Mine Enemies, by Harry Turtledove.

AND, I got four new counties on Christmas Eve, bringing my yearly total to 102, which is my best year since I was four years old and we drove to Florida and back. My latest counties are Sainte Genevieve MO, Perry MO, Randolph IL, and Saint Francois MO.

That is all.

Title from James Brown's "Get Up Offa That Thing."

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I'm In Ur Computur Wishin U a Merry Christmas

I'm going to be busy for the next couple days, so if you're going to be wanting a new blog post, you'll find yourself sucking the hind tit!

Suck it hard, baby!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

"I'm Just Sitting Here Watching the Wheels Go Round and Round"

It has finally happened: we've run out of stuff to do at work. And the real pisser is that I just made the last task I had take a week, hoping that, maybe by the end of it, we would have more work. But nope.

Well, there are things to do on my projects, but they've all been taken by my coworkers, who also have nothing to do. My boss and my project manager are trying to come up with something for me to do. So I guess I don't have to feel any guilt about surfing the Internet, which is what I'm doing right now.

It turns out Free State High School's basketball team is 3-2 so far this year. Go Firebirds! As for my alma mater, Adolfo Camarillo High School, they are 4-4 right now, but at least they're better than those rat bastard Rio Mesa Spartans, who are 3-5. Go Scorpions!

It turns out we are going to miss the first Free State vs. Lawrence game this year, because it's while we'll be driving to my parents' house in Saint Louis. (Read: please rob me during the game!) We also will miss the ACHS vs. Rio Mesa game, because it's on the day we're flying in to Los Angeles. (Read: rob me again in a few weeks!) This is the boring crap I come up with on the Internet when I have nothing to do at work.

My boss just got called in to talk with the president of the company. I wonder who's getting the axe.

Title from John Lennon's "Watching the Wheels."

Monday, December 18, 2006

Little Shakespeares Everywhere

I've started a trend. It's less annoying than the Macarena, and maybe longer-lasting.

Persephone came up with a word that changes its pronunciation depending on its part of speech (as detailed in her comment to my post "Vocab Up the Wazoo"): delegate and delegate. When she told me about it, I realized it also works for litigate and litigate.

A guy with whom I work just e-mailed me that "express" also works, but I don't see how. I'll have to ask him about it.

[time passes]

Following our discussion, I don't think he's making sense, so forget that one.

More Good News

So there's this literary journal that just started last spring at KU called "Comma, Splice." I submitted two stories to them last month and they e-mailed me this week to say that they are going to use my story "Simeon and Levi" in this spring's edition. So snaps for me, I guess.

Here's the kind of funny thing: I wrote that story about two years ago, always with the intention of editing it and rewriting it to make it good enough to publish somewhere. Then I found out about this journal and decided I should submit some stories, but I kept putting it off. I didn't want to look over my stories and realize just how bad they were. Finally, it was the last day to submit and I had Persephone read through my stories and pick two to submit, and I just submitted them as they were. (This is my secret modus operandi of underachieving: if they hadn't selected either of my stories, I could blame Persephone for not picking my best work, or I could tell myself, "Well, it didn't work out because I didn't try my best." I should write a book of tips on how to suck at life.)

Anyway, they picked one to publish. But I haven't read the story in about two years, and I don't exactly remember how it goes. I remember the premise, and the ending, but the rest of it will be a surprise when I see it in the print this spring.

So if you want to read a crap short story from a no-name author, check out the next edition of "Comma, Splice." They don't have much of a web presence, so you'll have to look around some Lawrence, Kansas, coffee shops come this May.

Friday, December 15, 2006


The earth's rotation has reversed itself. This day will never end. I have been at work for only five hours, but it feels like sixty years. I have five more hours until I get to go home. I don't think that time will ever come.

I've always been intrigued by the lack of thought that goes into some people's concepts of time. For instance, although the world is now rotating in reverse, I realize that my wristwatch did not get the memo, so I don't expect it to run backward. Also, I don't expect to live forever. That would be like driving in a car at a constant rate, but somehow the definition of a mile is suddenly stretched to infinity. The numeric value of speed becomes zero, but you haven't stopped moving. I will live maybe fifty-five more years (as measured before today's cataclysmic change in time computation), but the date of my death will be the same as today: December the Whateverth, 2006. (What IS today? The 14th? The 15th? [check] It turns out it's the 15th. Huh. Who knew?)

If a thousand monkeys sorted through a billion marbles, looking for the one marble that was a perfect sphere, and I had to supervise them to make sure they didn't start shirking or anything, to make sure they only took their smoke breaks as per the union contract and all that, I don't believe I would be any more bored than I am RIGHT NOW. And NOW. And...NOW.

Do you think that random people I've known throughout my life search the Internet for me as frequently as I search the Internet for them? Or is it just a result of my working at such a boring place? I think it might be the latter, seeing as the importance of web-based research rises exponentially as your foregone uses of time get boring as hell. For instance, I read every day at work, but it's not really worth my time on Saturdays.

So, to recap, I'm super bored, and as soon as I end this post, I've got to find something else to do, so that's why I just keep writing.

Crap. I can't think of anything else to write.


I am red angry!

I took my last final yesterday, so to celebrate being (temporarily) done with school, I decided I was going to watch all three extended-version Lord of the Rings movies after work. I expected my wife to put the kibosh on that idea, though, because it was a work night, and true to form, Persephone said I couldn't do it. So instead, I watched Click, which we had checked out from the library, and then I went to the library and got two more movies. One was Kind Hearts and Coronets, which I haven't watched yet. For the other one, I wanted to get the original Planet of the Apes, but they didn't have it, so I got stuck with the new Planet of the Apes.

Click was actually kind of good, and it made Persephone cry. I said to her, "You might be the first person in the world to ever cry at an Adam Sandler movie." But let me tell you about Planet of the Apes.

Worst. Movie. Evar.

I have never been so angry about a movie in my entire life. Part of the problem was the DVD skipping, which bugs the crap out of me. Two things infuriate me quite easily: skipping DVDs/CDs, and audible bass coming from cars in the parking lot or the neighbors' houses. [Editor's note: actually, lots of crap infuriates me.] But the skipping DVD was the least of my problems with this movie.

First of all, all of the good parts about the original movie were completely gone. Instead of the whole "Oh, it's really Earth!" thing, it turns out he's not really on Earth (as witnessed by the weird planets hanging around when he finally gets in a ship and leaves). Without accidentally being on Earth, there is no commentary on humanity.

Instead, a genetically-altered ape named Semos killed some humans and started a colony. And there's a bestiality love triangle that makes no sense. The space man and the ape woman kind of have some tension, but that's understandable, because they interact. The feral human girl, however, does nothing except show up late for the Red Sonja costume contest. I watched a good deal of the middle of the movie at double speed with the captions on.

The "point" of the movie, if there is one, seems to be the whole "apes and humans can live together" lesson that one would expect. There's some epic final battle, and just at the height of it (after a gorilla and an orangutan fly through the air at each other), the chimpanzee that the space man was trying to find at the beginning of the movie (before the electrical storm pushes him forward through time (!)) lands in a ship. So the humans and the apes never have that "We're part of the same group" moment. The space man kisses the ape girl good bye, then he runs over and gives a bigger kiss to the feral human girl, to whom he's said almost nothing all movie.

You don't get to kiss two girls good bye at the end of a movie. The ape girl wants him to stay, but he basically says, "You can't be serious; you're a monkey," and leaves. Conveniently, the electrical storm is still around, right where he left it, and instead of pushing him further forward through time, as it has done twice now, it miraculously pushes him backwards through time. Well, now, doesn't everything just work out perfectly for Leo Davidson, USAF?

Not quite, for when he gets back to his own time, he decides to crash land on the Mall in Washington (a perfectly legitimate place to crash land a spacecraft, by the way), and what to his wondering eyes should appear but a Lincoln Memorial with an ape Lincoln inside? [Editor's note: Ape Lincoln. That's pretty funny.] An ape Lincoln who, it turns out, is really the same ape as the one he battled earlier, when he was 500 years in the future? What?

And the movie ends.

I watched the last scene over again, with the director's commentary on, because I had to believe Tim Burton would say something like, "I feel so ashamed of this part," but instead, he was talking about how everyone on teh Internets hates the ending, but he likes it. He said, "I wouldn't have added more material, if I could." If you could? You were the director! If you couldn't, who could? The movie sprung from your head in its current form?

Now I'm all angry again, but at least I get to watch Kind Hearts and Coronets tonight, which features Obi-Wan Kenobi trying to kill Prince Feisal of Arabia. That should make for some interesting dialogue. ("Only a master of evil, Darth." "What I owe you is beyond evaluation.")

Thursday, December 14, 2006


A lot of my blog postings are e-mails I send from work to my super-secret e-mail account that automatically posts to my blog. The format is usually all screwed up, though, so I have to wait until I go to the library and edit the posts to remove random line returns and whatnot, but the content is mostly generated on company time.

Until now, it seems. The last several times I've tried sending an e-mail from my work account to my blog, it has been returned as undeliverable. I don't know if the problem is on the blog end of things, or here at work. Maybe they are monitoring my activity and intercepting my posts before they can reach the light of day. Maybe I should use this opportunity to reveal my syphilitic condition, and see if any of the IT guys start keeping their distance.


  • plan to eat at Salty Iguana tonight
  • sold books back and am now loaded down with cash
  • first grade is posted on the Internet, and it's an A
  • since my boss jokingly left me in charge while he's been out of town this week, I wrote up reprimands for everyone in my office, and I plan to fire someone on Friday

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Good News

p>I had a Jimmy John's Italian Night Club with hot peppers and no onions for lunch today. The following could also be considered good news:
  • I am done with three of four finals now, and I feel pretty good about my chances to earn four As.
  • I found out recently that I am going to be a weekly columnist in the University Daily Kansan next semester.
  • I finished watching the fifth season of "Alias" last night. I think it's the first time I've ever seen every episode of a TV show. There was a point where I had seen every episode of "NewsRadio," but then they kept making new ones.
  • I just got a free smoothie from Juice Stop because a guy I work with bought one for me.

Now for the bad news:

  • I decided a few days ago that getting fired would be a really good career move right about now. If I get fired, I will get a severance package and then collect unemployment. I think I might have a student loan lined up that will cover my costs of living, and that will give me all the time I need to concentrate on school next semester so I can do really well and make myself an attractive grad school applicant. The other option is to wait around until the company goes under, or until I quit, and in both those scenarios I get nothing out of it.
  • But one of the other women here has been involved in a week-long argument with Walt. This diverts his negative attention away from me. (That sentence seems to imply I'm a woman. Rest assured, I'm all dude.)
  • And I sent out an e-mail designed to enrage Tito, wherein I called the KU basketball team "the second best team in the State of Kansas" (ranked behind Wichita State), but instead of drawing Tito's ire, it pleased the company's president, a WSU alumnus.

So, as you can see, you have to take the bad with the good.

Vocab Up the Wazoo

Another word that changes pronunciation depending on its part of speech: record. When used as a noun, the first syllable is stressed, but when used as a verb, the second syllable is stressed. Also, the pronunciation of the vowel in the second syllable is very different. More so than in a permit/permit, proceed/proceed, or attribute/attribute pairing.

I took another final today, and when I turned it in, I told my professor, "Here's your answer key right here." She thought that was pretty funny. I wonder if that means she doesn't think I know the answers.

Monday, December 11, 2006


First of all, to the thousands of perverts who are reading this article: you've misspelled "enemas" in your search parameters. As for the rest of you (are there any?), I happen to know a thing or two about enemies. Now, there are two ways to rack up as many enemies as I have managed to accumulate: you can be a hateful person, or you can run up against hateful people.

I am not a hateful person. But it seems that the entire rest of the world is full of hate. Chalk full. Bursting-at-the-seems full. At a Thanksgiving dinner of hate, these people are the ones excusing themselves from the table to self-administer enemas in the bathroom, freeing up room for more hate consumption. (Hey, it turned out that this post really IS about enemas.)

Most of the time, these people are middle-aged female office professionals, which is just another name for "hateful people." But every once in a while, there's a wild-card in the bunch.
One of those wild-cards is this guy I work with. Let's call him Walt. Walt is so full of fate that he once went to Disneyland on a hot day, and the hatred in his sweat turned the Happiest Place on Earth (not to be confused with Tijuana) into a vile cesspool of murder and deceit (not to be confused with Knott's Berry Farm).

A couple months ago, I had a run-in with Walt, wherein he told me I was wasting his time, so I reminded him that he was, in fact, merely doing his job, so he flew into a Vesuvian rage that I would dare tell him what his job is, so I asked him who else in the company does what I had asked him to do, and he said only he does, so I said, "So it's your job?", so he went to my supervisor, and now I am not allowed to talk to Walt.

That's right: I am not allowed to talk to Walt. Anything I have to say to him is supposed to go through my supervisor. But here's the most recent development: Walt just said hi to me. I had to say hello back. Am I going to get fired for this? (I hope so. More and more, getting fired is looking like my best possible career move.) And what percentage of my enemies actually receive enemas? I guess there are some things we were never meant to know.

Friday, December 08, 2006


Firstly, more vocabulary. I found a sheet of paper that records the actual invention date of "threve" (Jan. 2005) and "Trump classy" (April 10, 2005), as well as another phrase I forgot I had invented: EATING CHIPS (March 29, 2005).

"Eating chips" is wasting your life in worthlessness. Used in a sentence, one would say, "He spent his early twenties eating chips." And my original definition for "Trump classy" was faux class, where the owner thinks the item imparts class but really it points to bad taste.

Secondly, I am a little bit excited about the prospects of casually mentioning to Tito at work that, right now, KU has the second-best basketball team in the State of Kansas. However, today is Friday and Tito's going to be out of the office on Monday, so I need Wichita State to not lose until Tuesday. Come on, Shockers, don't let me down!

Thirdly, I wasn't too satisfied with the Chicken and Crawfish Gumbo. I could identify the chicken bits, and there were things in it that looked like shrimp, which I am assuming might be the crawfish (I'd never had it before), but then there were these pieces of animal carcass that resembled sausage, and that creeped me out. I don't really like eating sausage because the outside is so crunchy, it's like you're actually biting into an animal. Truthfully, I don't like eating bratwurst, but I do it anyway because I like the idea of eating bratwurst. And the gumbo gave me the stinkiest gas I have had for months, and then the turd I took later that evening was disgusting in about eight different ways. (Never let anyone tell you my food reviews are not thorough.)

Fourthly, I'm in the library right now, supposedly reading for my microeconomics final, but I just saw my last post about Jimmy John's, and now I really want to go get an Italian Night Club with hot peppers and no onions.

Fifthly, now that I'm not at work, I can tell you about how much it sucks: a lot. The other day was my one-year anniversary of working there, and I wanted to scoop out my own eye with a spork (we've been watching "Alias" on DVD lately). All the bosses tend to go home around five-twenty or so, and then there are three of us who stay until six. That is when we talk freely amongst ourselves. I said to the other two, "If I could get more money in student loans, I would quit this place tomorrow." So I decided to see if I could get more money in student loans. I have some lender (I am such an idiot that I almost wrote the word "loaner") sending me paperwork that, if it's legitimate, will allow me to get a way less stressful job before next semester starts.

See, I didn't do too well in college for a year or so, and now that I am wondering if I should go to graduate school (mainly because I don't know what else I would want to do), I need to do extra well for the next year. I want to have the time to volunteer as an assistant to some of the professors, and I want to do the work necessary to graduate with honors. I don't think I can do those things if I am taking fifteen hours and working twenty-nine hours. I got lucky this semester (Intermediate Microeconomics, Intermediate Macroeconomics, Economic Growth and Development, Language and the Mind) that I hardly had to do any homework, but next semester won't be like that (Money and Banking, International Finance, Political Philosophy, Western Civilization II, and Calculus II).

I seriously think I am going to go to Jimmy John's right now.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

"Gettin' Hassled By the Man"

So my company has these billability targets, and they are constantly revising them upward as we continue to flounder. When I started here, it was 32 hours out of a 40 hour week. Then it was 36, then 38, then there was a brief mention that, hypothetically, there was no reason it couldn't be 40, then it sort of went back to 36, in that we all hit 36 now and no one complains.

About four months ago, I went from full-time to part-time so I could go back to school. Now that I work 29 hours a week, my project manager and I have taken that 36/40 ratio and applied it to 29, aiming for 26 hours of billable time each week.

Two weeks ago, my supervisor e-mailed me to say I was not billable enough, and I should be billable somewhere between 28 and 29 hours a week. I think it is just the beginnings of a paper trail for when they fire me, so I responded with figures from my charge sheets, showing that I am consistently above the 36/40 ratio expected of other employees.

I also happened to mention (since most of the time we have a pretty relaxed corporate environment) that half of my non-billable time each week can be attributed to taking a crap every afternoon. Just sayin'.

This week, now, there has been a picture posted in the bathroom. It's one of those Internet memes about how the company can't afford bathroom breaks, so they will install toilets at everyone's desks.

If they took half the energy they spend pestering employees, trying to get another nickel's-worth of productivity out of them, and put that energy into securing more actual work for the company, we could all go back to 32 hours of billability and free lunches a couple times a month. However, I suspect they have some enormously-expensive e-mail spying program that is going to intercept this message, thereby saving the few cents it cost them while I wrote it.

Title from Sublime's song "Garden Grove."

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Friend Is a Four-Letter Word (Actually, It's Six Letters; I'm Not an Idiot)

So here are two stories I have recently learned about friends, and what I make of them. (What I make of the stories, not the friends. The only thing I know how to make of a friend is an enemy.)

The first is about a girl in my linguistics class. The lecture meets twice a week, and then the discussion group meets on Fridays. We sit next to each other in discussion and talk about random things, but she studiously avoids me during lecture. Three weeks ago I ended up walking out of lecture next to her and she did not acknowledge me in the hall. Then, suddenly on the stairs, she said, "Are you going anywhere for Thanksgiving?" It was weird, like we were prisoners in a work crew who could only talk without looking at each other for fear the boss would see us.

Well, today was the last lecture of the semester, and we had to fill out instructor evaluations. I had quite a bit to say in mine, so I was the last one to leave. I had noticed this girl (I'll just tell you her name since not even I know who she is) Katy leave much earlier. Anyway, when I left the room and got to the stairs, there was Katy in front of me. We talked some while we walked to the library together. So did she wait to talk to me because we're friends?

Now for the other girl, who gets a synonym because what I have to say about her is not so glowing. Let's call her Phyllis. We have two classes together, one right after another, and over the course of the semester, we've become friends of sorts. We walk between classes together every day now. After the second test in one of the classes, I mentioned that I would like to study for the final with her study group, since my study group was teh suck. She said sure, but over the last week, as her group has been making plans to get together and I have been kind of trying to be invited, she has ignored me. And today she said to the other three members of her group that her apartment was a good place for them to meet because, "There are four chairs at my table." So are we not friends?

Friends have always been lame to me. I don't think anyone is ever really a friend. The people who are your friends only seem that way due to outside forces. Your workplace friends will never see you again once you get fired. You might try to initiate contact, but it is always awkward for them. I don't think a real friendship between two people can last longer than a decade at the most. By that time you have done too many things that the other person knows about and hates, and vice versa. And that decade time-frame is for even the best of friends. Most people will fall out of friendship within a year.

I've got this guy in my microeconomics class whose phone number I have, but if I ever called him up on a Friday next semester to see if he wanted to hang out, that would be awkward. I've got a guy I work with that is my work friend, but the few times we have tried to do something outside of work, it has been weird. I think most people like the idea of other people being their friends, but no one wants to be a friend to other people.

PS: Things are looking up in the "take this job and shove it" department. Details later.

Title (partially) from Cake's song "Friend Is a Four-Letter Word."

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

"The Future is Now"

I had a whole post written when I realized, "I don't want to tell this crap to teh Internets," so I erased it all and you get NUZZING, suckers!

I've got a week left in this semester and I have four A's, although two of them are just-barely so, which means I have to, like, study for the finals and stuff like that.

In other news, KU lost to another unranked team, which made my Monday just a little brighter when I found that out. I decided that the best scenario for me would be if KU had a completely winless season, which would break the arrogance of all the fans like Tito, and then went back to winning, so I could be a fan of my own school like I should.

I haven't had an Italian Night Club with hot peppers and no onions since last Thursday. Today, work is ordering lunch for us (probably to soften the blow when they announce the fact that we're closing our doors) and I have ordered the chicken and crawfish gumbo from Free State Brewery. I'll let you know how that goes.

I've been on a spicy food kick for about three weeks or so. I think I already told you about this. Now I get hot peppers on everything, and a few nights ago I put chili powder on some tortellini casserole Persephone made. I'm an addict, now. The good news is, unlike most addicts, I can stop anytime I want to. I just don't want to right now.

Title from The Hudsucker Proxy.

Friday, December 01, 2006


Man, am I hungry right now. I could go for a steak sandwich from Pepperjax, with Swiss cheese, mushrooms, and jalapeƱos. Or an Italian Night Club from Jimmy John's, with hot peppers and no onions.

Can I just tell you how much it sucks that the people in my work are so lame. I've worked here for an entire year come next Tuesday, and everybody else gets their birthdays celebrated, with free lunches and cards, but they didn't do mine last year and they are getting ready to not do mine again this year. So I kind of mentioned today, hey, can you make sure I get at least a meal out of it, since I work a weird schedule now and most of the time they get their free food while I am out of the office. But the popular idea right now is to turn the birthday lunch into an evening of drinking at Free State Brewery, and I don't drink, or want to spend any more time than necessary with most of the office folks. So the company is going to get them loaded, while I am going to get nothing.

Many days, I'm almost glad we're going out of business.

Weird Words

How weird is the word "fiery"? The root word "fire" is pronounced the same as the first two syllables as "fiery," but you have to switch the order of the R and the E to get what you want when you add a Y.

PS: Another complete stranger has commented on my blog. So are there really tons of you out there, reading this crap? For a while I thought it would be cool to become a blog that strangers checked back on regularly, but then I realized that it wasn't going to happen, so then I wanted my blog to be some place where I could write stuff and my wife would read it sometimes, but then not even that happened, so now it's just a place for me to say what I would say to people if they cared what I had to say, and so far that's been working out for me pretty well.