Saturday, July 28, 2007

"Bezbol Been Bery Bery Good to Me"

Persephone told me I should blog about the ballgame we went to last night. Why? She's the only person who reads my blog, and she was there. But I don't want to get her mad. She spends all day home alone with the food I eat. So I'm going to comply, for fear of retribution.

We went to a ballgame last night. We went on Independence Day to see the fireworks. There was a massive thunderstorm in the late afternoon, but it cleared up right before the game. We got to the stadium right as the game was starting. Listening on the radio, we heard Seattle score two runs. By the time we got to our seats, they had two more. That was it. Seattle won 4-0. And then the fireworks wouldn't work because the thunderstorm in the afternoon had ruined them. But the Royals gave everybody a rain check for the game, and since they set off fireworks after every Friday night home game, last night we went back for another game.

This game was better for two reasons: Kansas City won, and the fireworks worked. Also, I saw my first major-league balk (in person), and I was keeping score, so I got to score it. Now, for the bad news: David De Jesus got on base to start the game, then got thrown out trying to steal second. The next two batters got on base and then Billy Butler hit a home run. That would have been a grand slam if De Jesus hadn't been thrown out. It would have been the first grand slam I'd ever seen in person. (Persephone loves grand slams. Personally, I like triples better, and inside-the-park home runs even more.) Also, we got to see Sammy Sosa hit a home run.

Anyway, Kansas City won, 6-1. There was a rain delay in the middle of the eighth inning. It had us worried that the fireworks wouldn't work, but this time they had fireworks guys who realized this is summertime in the Midwest, and maybe they should be prepared for rain.

At first our seats were sort of annoying. We had a big iron bar in front of us and a redneck family reunion happening one row behind us. We were going to move, but our usher was running all over the place making sure people were sitting in their assigned seats. However, we waited until his back was turned and we hightailed it up the stadium to different seats. We sat under the roof because we could see the clouds coming in, so when the thunderstorm came we didn't have to run up the aisles like everyone else.

This has to be the most poorly-written blog posting ever.

Title from Chico Escuela.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Sliding Scale of Belief

These are the percentages of what I belief based on the source:

100% - Conference and the scriptures

95% - stake president

90% - stake counselors

85% - high councilmen

80% - bishop

75% - bishopric counselors

70% - elders quorum president

65% - elders quorum counselors

60% - Deseret Book

55% - home teacher (if we ever had one--we've been married for 75 months and our home teacher came from Jan-Mar 2003)

50% - youth fireside speakers

45% - Know Your Religion speakers

40% - Bookcraft Book

35% - gospel essentials teachers

30% - elders quorum instructors

25% - gospel doctrine teachers

20% - Cove Fort Book

15% - adult sacrament speakers

10% - youth sacrament speakers

5% - what I think

Monday, July 16, 2007

Parenting Techniques of the Stars

"What better place to bring the children?"

--Victoria Beckham, on her move to Los Angeles

Things My Childen Say When They Are Supposed to Be Asleep

[two nights ago]

Son: I want Mommy.

Me: Mommy's taking a little rest because she's tired.

Daughter: Why is she tired?

Me: Because she's pregnant.

Son: Except, except, except the baby in her tummy's not real.

Me: Yes it is.

Son: [sing-songy] No, it isn't!

Me: The baby in Mommy's tummy is real.

Son: What does it say on that sign? [a sign hanging from their bedroom door]

Me: It says, "Leave me alone; I'm sleeping."

Son: What does the other side say?

Me: It says, "Come clean up my room."

Daughter: Let's pretend this is a hotel, and tomorrow we can turn the sign over and the maid can come clean our room, and the maid can be mother.

Me: Mommy's not your maid, and it's rude to pretend that other people are your maids.

Daughter: Why?

Me: Because being a maid isn't a fun job.

Daughter: But why do people do it?

Me: Because they have to work, right?

Daughter: What hotel is that sign from?

Me: A hotel called Virgin River Casino.

Daughter: Did you stay there while I was alive?

Me: Yeah, I've stayed there before we were married, and once when we were married and you weren't born yet, and once when you were a baby.

Daughter: Why did you only get one sign?

Me: Because I didn't know if I was going to have kids or how many I'd have.

Daughter: You didn't know if your body couldn't have kids?

Me: Yeah. I hadn't tried yet.

Daughter: A daddy can't have kids on his own!

Son: And a mommy can't have kids on her own, too!

Daughter: Can a cow and a horse get married and have a baby?

Me: No.

Daughter: Can a person from one country and a person from a different country get married and have a baby?

Me: Yes.

Daughter: Why?

Me: Because people from different countries are both still people, right?

Daughter: Then why can't a cow and a horse get married and have a baby?

Me: Because they're different animals. A horse and a donkey can have a baby, and a cow and a bison can have a baby.

Daughter: Why?

Me: Because Heavenly Father made them that way.

Son: Can an alligator and a crocodile?

Me: I don't know.

Son: Can two birds?

Me: Yes, if they're the same type of bird.

Daughter: What about a balded eagle and a blue jay?

Me: No.

Daughter: Why?

Me: Because Heavenly Father made them that way.

Son: Can a house and another house?

Me: Yes, a house and another house can get married and have a baby.

Son: Houses don't have legs!

Daughter: Can two crabs?

Me: If they're the same type of crab.

Daughter: What about a crab and a sea crab?

Me: I think all crabs are sea crabs.

Daughter: What do crabs do?

Me: They go "pinch, pinch," and "eat, eat," and "poop, poop."

Daughter: Why do crabs pinch?

Me: Because Heavenly Father made them that way.

Son: Can two cars?

Me: Yes, two cars can get married and have a baby.

Son: Can a car and a race car?

Me: Yes.

Son: Cars don't have legs!

[last night]

Son: Let's go Royals! Let's go Royals!

Daughter: You're supposed to clap in between like this. [clap, clap, clap-clap-clap]

Son: Let's go Royals! [spit, spit, spit-spit-spit] Let's go Royals! [spit, spit, spit-spit-spit]

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Haiku #13

We told our children

So now we'll tell everyone

My wife is pregnant

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Haiku #12

Twenty new counties.

"Settle down there, ARS."

No, YOU settle down!

Monday, July 09, 2007

Friday, July 06, 2007

Haiku #9

Ice cream store's long line

Means it wastes more time from work,

Makes it tastier.

Haiku #8

F(x) =

4 x 3. Find the second--

Sleep comes like ninjas.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Haiku #2 and #3

I decided to convert my blog to a haiku page. Because I have reached the limit of what conventional blogging has to offer.

Haiku #2

"God, why hat'st Thou me?"

God replies: "Why would I not?"

Snow falls down. "Touche."

Notice the "season" word thrown in there, which the Wikipedia entry on haiku says is important.

Here's another:

Haiku #3

Office equipment

Falls like maple leaves of lead.

This company sucks.

See the "seasonal" reference to falling leaves? I'm a little haiku genius. I could do this all day.